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Angry Websites Take Action

I have ambition. I have drive. My entire life – from when I was a wee pop-up trying to gain everyone’s attention to the grown-up full-fledged, content rich homepage that I am – I have always wanted to be the best. Get the best visitors. Shout out the best content. Have the newest, most innovative design around. My goal has always been to be the best.

So I wake up extra early in the morning – earlier than some of those other sites, whom we wont mention – spiff myself up quite a bit, and head into work. I put on my best content, shine up my title tag and even do a little dance for Google every once in a while to let her know I’m still around.

But maybe Google is upset with me lately. I mean, I did sort of break her heart a couple months ago, but that is a really long story and I’d rather not get into it at the moment. Or maybe somehow my site isn’t being promoted enough. Because lately there haven’t been any good visitors!

And that really aggravates me to my metadata. Come on you guys! I am a great site! And you don’t even seem to care. Well, if I can’t get your attention in a good way, here is a warning on how I am going to get your attention MY way!

1. You know that horrible feeling when your alarm goes off in the morning, and you just want to go back to bed, and you will do anything to make sure that happens? You hit the snooze button for five more minutes of bliss? Yeah, that is how I have felt every day lately. Not wanting to do any work, not caring if I get up out of my server in the morning. You know what I’m going to do to get some attention? CRASH! Haha, that’s what you get for ignoring me.

2. When I’m feeling particularly vengeful and angry that no one is recognizing me, I like to play a little game like not giving visitors the content they need to help them find the product/service that is right for them. This game is called “move around content so no one knows where to find anything!” It’s so fun! Take the company mission statement and move it onto the “Contact Us” page. Take the contact information and hide it under the “Locations” page. And maybe just get rid of the “Customer Testimonials” altogether. I mean, why show that people have said positive things about you in the past when now, in the present I’m being completely ignored?

3. I also like to incorporate some poor grammar into my content. So I’ll go through the work a diligent copywriter spent hours optimizing and I get rid of the keywords altogether and just insert the word “stuff” or “things”. That is always a good time. Then no one knows what you are offering, and my ex-friend Google won’t be poking around my site so much, trying to see what I’m offering.

4. These days, I don’t like having to run too many applications. And I definitely don’t like having visitors stay around and bother me all afternoon. You know those fun interactive bits that are on some websites? Yeah, not on mine anymore! No more visitor polls, no more exciting flash videos, no more “leave your comment here” forms. And while I’m at it, why not get rid of the color and formatting as well? This way, I use less of my very valuable energy to be “flashy” and “exciting” for visitors, and they take one look at my site, see its boring black-and-white format, and leave. I love it!

5. And remember when I said I haven’t been getting any “good” visitors? Well, that is correct. I mean, I have had some visitors, but they are of the rival gang. The kids-from-the-other-side-of-the-tracks. The Spammers! So what’s a guy to do? He’s starved of attention and boom, here comes someone so fantastic, so tempting, so nice-looking. And I just let him right in. But hey, negative attention is still attention right? And I might be a little insecure at times, so I just let Mr. Spam hang around. At least it’s company.

This is the life for me these days. My ambition and drive have gone out the window. Do you really want your site to get as annoyed as me? I don’t think so. That would be bad for your business and your reputation as a website developer.

If you want to boost your site’s recognition and keep it happy, enter it in the WebAward competition by May 31st, 2008. Being judged by internet gods is just the thing that will perk up your site and make sure he knows he is appreciated. And trust me, attention from a WebAwards judge is the greatest honor for a website. Your site might just be working up to his full potential soon to make sure he wins!