I have ambition. I have drive. My entire life \u2013 from when I was a wee pop-up trying to gain everyone\u2019s attention to the grown-up full-fledged, content rich homepage that I am \u2013 I have always wanted to be the best. Get the best visitors. Shout out the best content. Have the newest, most innovative design around. My goal has always been to be the best.<\/p>\n
So I wake up extra early in the morning \u2013 earlier than some of those other sites, whom we wont mention \u2013 spiff myself up quite a bit, and head into work. I put on my best content, shine up my title tag and even do a little dance for Google every once in a while to let her know I\u2019m still around.<\/p>\n
But maybe Google is upset with me lately. I mean, I did sort of break her heart a couple months ago, but that is a really long story and I\u2019d rather not get into it at the moment. Or maybe somehow my site isn\u2019t being promoted enough. Because lately there haven\u2019t been any good visitors!<\/p>\n
And that really aggravates me to my metadata. Come on you guys! I am a great site! And you don\u2019t even seem to care. Well, if I can\u2019t get your attention in a good way, here is a warning on how I am going to get your attention MY way!<\/p>\n
1. You know that horrible feeling when your alarm goes off in the morning, and you just want to go back to bed, and you will do anything to make sure that happens? You hit the snooze button for five more minutes of bliss? Yeah, that is how I have felt every day lately. Not wanting to do any work, not caring if I get up out of my server in the morning. You know what I\u2019m going to do to get some attention? CRASH! Haha, that\u2019s what you get for ignoring me.<\/p>\n
2. When I\u2019m feeling particularly vengeful and angry that no one is recognizing me, I like to play a little game like not giving visitors the content they need to help them find the product\/service that is right for them. This game is called \u201cmove around content so no one knows where to find anything!\u201d It\u2019s so fun! Take the company mission statement and move it onto the \u201cContact Us\u201d page. Take the contact information and hide it under the \u201cLocations\u201d page. And maybe just get rid of the \u201cCustomer Testimonials\u201d altogether. I mean, why show that people have said positive things about you in the past when now, in the present I\u2019m being completely ignored?<\/p>\n
3. I also like to incorporate some poor grammar into my content. So I\u2019ll go through the work a diligent copywriter spent hours optimizing and I get rid of the keywords altogether and just insert the word \u201cstuff\u201d or \u201cthings\u201d. That is always a good time. Then no one knows what you are offering, and my ex-friend Google won\u2019t be poking around my site so much, trying to see what I\u2019m offering.<\/p>\n
4. These days, I don\u2019t like having to run too many applications. And I definitely don\u2019t like having visitors stay around and bother me all afternoon. You know those fun interactive bits that are on some websites? Yeah, not on mine anymore! No more visitor polls, no more exciting flash videos, no more \u201cleave your comment here\u201d forms. And while I\u2019m at it, why not get rid of the color and formatting as well? This way, I use less of my very valuable energy to be \u201cflashy\u201d and \u201cexciting\u201d for visitors, and they take one look at my site, see its boring black-and-white format, and leave. I love it!<\/p>\n
5. And remember when I said I haven\u2019t been getting any \u201cgood\u201d visitors? Well, that is correct. I mean, I have had some visitors, but they are of the rival gang. The kids-from-the-other-side-of-the-tracks. The Spammers! So what\u2019s a guy to do? He\u2019s starved of attention and boom, here comes someone so fantastic, so tempting, so nice-looking. And I just let him right in. But hey, negative attention is still attention right? And I might be a little insecure at times, so I just let Mr. Spam hang around. At least it\u2019s company.<\/p>\n
This is the life for me these days. My ambition and drive have gone out the window. Do you really want your site to get as annoyed as me? I don\u2019t think so. That would be bad for your business and your reputation as a website developer.<\/p>\n